This time of the year is one filled with many emotions. On November 26th, 2005, our second son was stillborn when I was 37 weeks along in our pregnancy. He was perfect, tiny, had curly little locks, and looked like his Daddy.
Four years later, I can still picture everything with the utmost clarity. I hold those feelings and memories close to my heart; they keep Jaxon close and center me on days when I need it.
But this year, what I find interesting is the journey of how we are coping. Last year, I think I was “better” than this year. (If my old counselor saw this, he would shudder. He said it was wrong to judge my feelings as good or bad. They just are what they are and should not have a value. Sorry! 🙂 ) This year, I am having horrific nightmares about my children who are thankfully here with us. So terrible that I will not talk about them out loud. Because that leads to another “thing” I am this year – extremely superstitious.
“Drive safe” and “I love you” are more plentiful than typical right now.
I imagine worst case scenarios and am happiest and content when we are together as a family.
I feel like I am waiting for the ball to drop. Why?
In talking with One Daddy, he seems to share my feelings this year. But he drew a connection I had not. During the summer before we lost our son, we had a conversation about how blessed we were. We had the health of our family, love, friends, good jobs, our precious Mr. C, and a son on the way. Until that point, we truly had not suffered a major loss. Then my Grandfather’s health declined and he passed away. Ed and his lifelong love, Margie, were like our compass. Whenever we visited, the world became right. Losing him was hard for both of us. Then a few weeks after that our good friends had complications in the birth of their baby girl and had to make the painful decision to let her pass away at home. That hit us so hard; if it could happen to someone just like us, how could we know our son was OK?
We talked through all of the scenarios…What would we do if we were in those shoes? We became more aware and watchful over our precious son. I went in for my weekly appointment and told my doctor I could not feel him as much. She quickly assured me it was just the extra fluid and he was fine. A few days later he was gone.
And now here we are four years later.
But there is a connection. Ed’s wife passed away in October of last year. They are now together as they are meant to be. At that same time, my Step-Dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer. He passed away in April just six months later. So that superstitious feeling we have? Wondering where the third “bad” thing is…and praying it never shows its face.
I still wrestle with guilt four years later. It is not an every day feeling, but I guess what it boils down to is that even four years later, I do believe it could have been prevented. If we had been more vigilant about the effects of Polyhydramnios on a baby in the womb, if we had pushed for more information when our doctor simply left it at, “Well, this is just how your body responds to pregnancy.”
…If, If, If.
If only our little boy was still here.
Emma says
Oh honey! My heart is in knots reading this. Your precious baby was born just a week after my lovely daughter and I’m in bits thinking about how unfair life can be. I can’t do anything to take away your pain but I love you for posting this. It’s made me stop feeling overwhealmed and more grateful for what I have. Thinking of you today and sending lots of hugs your way. xxxx
Mommy Mentor says
Oh Emma- you are such a wonderful woman! Thank you for your support but even more than that- thank you for making something positive of this. We love hearing stories like that! I am so happy that you can celebrate a fourth birthday for your girl! Hugs to you!
Maureen @ Wisconsin Mommy says
Four years later, I am still in awe of how you coped (and are coping)with the difficult challenge life threw at you. You have helped so many with your understanding and empathy with what they are going through when they face the same challenge. You chose to let this experience grow your heart to hold more rather than close it off and harden it. You are an inspiration to many, and I hope it helps to know that on the tough days.
BTW – I can also be superstitious, but I try to remember that God is never going to “punish” anyone for counting their blessings and being grateful for what they have.
Love you, hon!
Mommy Mentor says
Thank you for your kind words, Maureen. I resisted replying to this until the day had passed…that superstition got the best of me. 🙂 Yes, God does not punish anyone, but I certainly do feel he tested us…it is what we do with that test and lesson learned that matters now.
jenny says
I was supposed to leave for an impromptu vacation, Sabrina calls me at midnight to inform me that she thinks she is in early labor. Still out under the moonlight looking for her missing dog, but thanks for informing me…
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Anonymous says
I know what you are going through. My son was still born 23 years ago today. My heart still aches for him. I have had a good life and was blessed with another son 3 years after his stillbirth. I have not found anything to make the pain go away only things that have helped me to tollerate. My heart gooes out to you and your family.
Amy aka Mommy Mentor says
My heart goes out to you. Thank you for stopping in to share your story. I often wonder what it will be like further out. Honestly, I don’t like thinking about it being that “old”. I am not sure why. Blessings to your family…
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Lisa says
Amy,
I appreciate your story and can feel your heart ache. It is such a sad experience and I guess with faith and support you have to get thru it. I had a still born at 22 weeks this past May and it was one of the most painful experiences ever. I felt like a fool thinking that just because i “made it thru” the first trimester that i’d be ok. I was diagnosed with a hematoma and experienced heavy bleeding throughout the pregnancy. Throughout weekly doctors appointments I was always told…”the baby looks great”. It was emotionally frustrating, frightening and overwhelming and I was in shock when I actually lost my healthy baby girl. The unanswered “Why” raced through my mind and I guess I have to believe that she was needed up there. She is my lil angel and I hope that she will always watch over her big sister who is now 3. It takes unbelievable strength to go through something like us and the thought of trying again is completely terrifying, however, I do believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can’t understand why at the moment. I found some comfort in the poem…An angel wrote in the book of life, my babys date of birth, then she whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for earth.
We’ll always love you Lily.
Thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to share mine. My love goes out to you, your family, and your angel.
Amy Barseghian says
Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is always so sad to hear another person suffer a loss so deep but I am thankful that we have each other. I honestly don’t think anyone who has not been through this can “get” how it rocks your core being.
“Why” is such a hard question and I am sorry you struggle with it as well.
Sending you big hugs and hopefully Lily can find Jaxon and play together…
Blessings to you,
Amy
lisa says
Thnx for your reply and this forum. Your strength is admiring. Be well and always count your blessings.
Amy Barseghian says
Thank you Lisa…your strength is evident. Stay strong…
lisa says
Thank you for your reply and for providing this forum for moms. Your strength is admiring. Be well and always count your blessings.
Anne says
Amy, I am so sorry to hear this. Please don’t blame yourself, though. I am sure you were a wonderful mom to your unborn child. I am sure this was not your fault. And I pray that you will be able to move through the pain and find comfort in the children you do have. Hug them a bit tighter… and maybe you know that someone bigger than us in in charge. That’s where I personally take comfort.
Amy Barseghian says
Hi Anne, You are so very kind to leave such warm thoughts. I appreciate it more than you know.