Today marks ten years. Ten years since our second son went to be with God when he was a perfect, beautiful, full term little boy. Each year on his Angelversary, I try to do one thing that can help other people who have lost their child and this year I found myself looking at stillbirth quotes as I reflected.
It seemed only natural to share them with you.
This year of being a mom who lost her son to a stillbirth is filled with a mix of emotions because in many ways just getting here seemed impossible; I remember sitting in our Midwest basement in the dark the day we came home without our son.
Wondering.
Hoping.
That I would make it to this point. That I would really “survive” a stillbirth and be happy.
I am happy – truly happy. And I can only hope that our son’s life and these stillbirth quotes can offer hope if someone reads this that has lost their child. These are some of my favorite stillbirth quotes that helped along our journey. My hope is they can bring you some peace if you have lost your baby.
My husband and I are very strong people – both individually and as a couple. But losing a baby, well, it truly does break your heart. I so desperately wanted someone to hold my hand and just tell me I was going to be okay. We were going to be okay.
I didn’t know what ‘okay’ even looked like. I just knew I wanted hope that we would get there.
The Feelings
That hollow feeling slowly filled, but when I felt like I had no tears left, I just closed my eyes and pictured holding him. One of my deepest fears was that I would forget what he felt like. Because if that happened, I had nothing else.
Ten years later, I can still close my eyes and feel his thick hair (just like his Daddy’s) between my fingers. I can feel his hand in mine. I love knowing no one can take that away from me.
My mom bought this for us, and we keep it on our mantle; it so perfectly says what I still long to be able to do. Sometimes I even talk to God and tell him I will not be greedy. I don’t need to bring him home; just a minute with him would fill my heart.
To see his smile, see the beautiful ten-year-old boy he has grown to be, that would be enough.
In Someone Else’s Shoes
When I talk with others who have lost a baby to a miscarriage or stillbirth, they totally get this. I remember the day this happened to me so clearly. I left our home alone for the first time since I had given birth to Jax. That alone was scary enough.
I walked into Kohl’s during the bitter chilly winter to get a pair of sweatpants. I got about fifteen feet into the store and saw what I then considered to be the most negligent father ever. He was ready to head outside with his newborn daughter in a carrier.
No blanket. No socks. Not even warmth. And I went into a dressing room and cried. An angry cry. One that questioned why that dad got to have his baby and we didn’t. Sometimes that is still hard to come to terms with. Even ten years later.
One of the ways we turned our loss into a positive is by thanking our little Angel for his watchful eye. Our entire family believes in Angels and that is such a gift. When we are blessed, we all say a thank you to our sweet Jaxon.
We were completely unprepared for losing our son. We had our suitcases packed and honestly thought we were bringing him home that day. In our young naïve state, we never imagined we could be part of the 1% of people who lose a child to a stillbirth.
It isn’t Easy
Losing a baby was hard for the people around us, too. No one really knows what to say. When we ran into friends and acquaintances that we didn’t see that often they naturally assumed he was just at home or with someone else.
And then we’d have to tell them he died. Most people would not know what to say and by no fault of their own would say something that would hurt me to my core. This was one of them. If you have a friend or family member who lost their baby these are things to never say to them.
Grieving Fathers
Husbands grieve too so make sure they get what they need to cope; it may be quite different than what a mother needs. When we found out Jaxon had passed away we had our oldest son at the hospital with us. Again, we were thinking he was going to welcome his younger brother into the world that day.
While my husband took Cal to be with a friend so we could go into delivery a wonderful hospital staff member kept pacing around me. I don’t do well with beating around the bush and I could tell she had something to say to me.
But she also knew that our life had been turned upside down less than an hour ago. So I just told her to tell me whatever it was she had to say.
She told me that not our marriage had less than a 50% chance of surviving.
Men grieve so differently than women and losing a child tests those waters at the deepest level. Most couples struggle to support each other because they are in their own dark misery. It was the best thing she could have told me because both my husband and I were even more attentive to each other and our own healing.
We would NOT let the baby we loved so deeply become a source of negativity in our lives.
If you have found this post with my favorite stillbirth quotes and have lost a baby, my hope is that in sharing our story and these stillbirth quotes you know you are not alone. While we are ‘only’ part of a 1% group, that 1% is filled with way too many people.
Once I started talking about our loss, I was shocked to hear how many parents had lost their babies, too.
Why I Shared these Stillbirth Quotes
This year as our boy celebrates his 10th birthday in Heaven I hold true to the belief that we all have to find the positive. In each journey of loss, there is a positive. We were so grateful to have Calvin to come home to instead of an empty home. And to be blessed with the opportunity to have another baby is something not all people get.
For that I am thankful. For that I am so very happy.
Happy birthday, Jaxon. We love you so very much…
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Carrie This Home says
Happy birthday sweet Jaxon! Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your experience, Amy. I know this will be so helpful to others going through the same thing.
Amy Barseghian says
Thank you so much Carrie! I really appreciate your kind words…
Kerri says
What beautiful quotes. I think they will help a lot of people who might be going through the same thing. And, what a special way to honor Jaxon. 🙂
Amy Barseghian says
Thank you, Kerri! That is all I hope to do as his memory lives on…
Sandy says
Still the most heart wrenching time in my life…my daughter and her husband having to experience this horrendous sadness! I felt so helpless…didn’t know what to say to make it all better for “my little girl “. Not knowing if she wanted a hug…to talk..what??? I am grateful to them for giving family time to say our good byes to this perfect little boy! He is never out of our hearts and minds…whether he turns 10..20! We will meet again in heaven sweet Jax!
Annette says
I just lost my sweet son, less than 2 weeks ago at 28 weeks, I am beyond heartbroken and sometimes I feel so desperately sad that I don’t know what to do with myself. I just wanted to thank-you for sharing your story, like you said when you start talking about it, there are many hurting mothers who have been through this. I find comfort in your quotes and your quote ” I am happy..truly happy”….I am beginning to feel a little more hopeful about my future without our dear sweet Nash, and your story has added to that, thank-you!
Annette says
I also wanted to add my most heartfelt of sympathy over the loss of your son Jaxon, xo
Amy Barseghian says
Thank you so much! <3
Amy Barseghian says
Annette, I am in tears reading this. I know that desperation so well and am so very deeply sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. Losing a child is like none other and if I can help even for a minute, it makes me so very happy. Please feel free to email is you ever need – I am always happy to help. Hugs!
Juleigh says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My husband and I just delivered our baby boy Ryker 2 days ago. We went in for a normal appointment and was told our little boy did not have a heart beat. I am so thankful that I got to see him and hold his tiny little body. I miss him so much. We had so many hopes and dreams for him. He has 2 big sisters, Ryleigh-10 and Reese-7. They were so excited and were actually at this appointment with us when we received the devastating news. I have already seen little blessings that God has given throughout the last couple of days and it helps…..although I still just don’t understand and I know I may never understand. What helps me the most is knowing that my baby boy is being held by Jesus and I will get to see him one day and hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I pray that one day my story can help someone just as your story has helped me.
Juleigh
Amy Barseghian says
Juleigh,
I struggle to find the words to convey what is in my heart. I am so very sorry. For you. For your husband. For your children. For your Angel. And yes you are so true… There is so much comfort in knowing they are in Heaven in God’s arms.
Minnu says
Hiii…I am also in the same raw…6 months ago I lost my baby ..but still the pain make me feel dying inside..
Amy Barseghian says
I am so sorry Minnu. My heart goes out to you…
Yuriana Merritt says
There’s no words to describe the loss of your child and even if an Im sorry isn’t enough please know that I am. For I have lost one of my own. It’s going to be 2 yrs on 11/7/19 that my son has been goon. Still, that pain remains the same. We just find better ways to cope. My heart is with you! Gone but never forgotten!
Amy Barseghian says
I am so sorry, Yuriana. Your son’s angelversary is in November like our son’s. Sending you strength and support.
Maale says
Wow a person is a person …no matter how small he is, he is still a person…I know the pain, my son will be turning 7 years on the 8 August 2019 ….every year on his birthday I celebrate his life as an angel by making sure that I share my story n tell people that I m a mother to an cute angel….it’s so hard to lose a child and m happy this year he will be celebrating his birthday with my ouma(as she pass away last year)…He will have a mother figure that we had from my ouma and i hope the angels will be singing for him….I will never forget he was there even though I have a Rainbow baby( she is 5years)…..My son Rebotile was born silent with angel wings n he is the strongest angel…I am a mother to an Angel baby( stillborn)
Amy Barseghian says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We too find some joy in knowing he has other family members in Heaven with him.
Hamna says
Thank you so much for sharing this ❤️ I have lost my baby a week ago at 36weeks and it all still feels like a nightmare, really feeling so low and couldn’t absorb what happened really happened. Still trying to cope for the sake of my older son who is just 4.
Really sorry for your loss, and may God give us the strength to go through this pain.
Amy Barseghian says
My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry. There are no words…please know that in an instant of reading your comment, I was taken back. I can feel your pain. <3 Please reach out if you need an ear...
Irene says
As I was searching Pintrest in hopes of finding something to help me continue coping with our loss, I ran across this post with quotes that hit my heart today. I have tears streaming down my face. It brought me back to holding him at the hospital; what a devastating experience it was to be in a silent delivery room without the monitors, without the happiness. This past October we lost our little, Ari, at 37 weeks. He has 2 older brothers, Calvin, who we also call “Cal,” is 6 and Brooks is 2. I thank God every day that I had them to come home to as I had to be present for them daily. We are the same, strong individually and strong together celebrating 15 yrs of marriage this year, at age 36. We both grieved so differently, but were so open to supporting each other because we knew the statistics. We honor our Ari every day by being strong for one another and for our boys. Thank you so much for telling your story and posting these quotes. Clearly, you helped me today by persuading me to comment and tell my story. Much love.
Amy Barseghian says
And I am crying reading your story, Irene. I remember when I contemplated writing about losing our son, Jaxon. It felt vulverable, but it also felt like one thing that could keep his spirit alive in some way. I wanted the horrible loss to help others. When we lost our son, I felt like there was nothing out there just to help me know I would be okay someday. I am SO glad you found us and that you shared your sweet Ari’s story.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your loss is still very new. Please know we are always here as a quiet place of sharing and acceptance if you need it. Our first son is also Calvin, and we call him Cal. <3 You don't hear of many Calvin's. 🙂 Having him to come to, and the ability to conceive again, was honestly what saved us.
Much love!
Amy