Today marks ten years. Ten years since our second son went to be with God when he was a perfect, beautiful, full term little boy. Each year on his Angelversary, I try to do one thing that can help other people who have lost their child and this year I found myself looking at stillbirth quotes as I reflected. It seemed only natural to share them with you.
This year of being a mom who lost her son to a stillbirth is filled with a mix of emotions because in many ways just getting here seemed impossible; I remember sitting in our Midwest basement in the dark the day we came home without our son.
That I would make it to this point. That I would really “survive” a stillbirth and be happy.
I am happy – truly happy. And I can only hope that our son’s life and these stillbirth quotes can offer hope if someone reads this that has lost their child.
These are some of my favorite stillbirth quotes that helped along our journey. My hope is they can bring you some peace if you have lost your baby.
My husband and I are very strong people – both individually and as a couple. But losing a baby, well, it truly does break your heart. I so desperately wanted someone to hold my hand and just tell me I was going to be okay. We were going to be okay.
I didn’t know what ‘okay’ even looked like. I just knew I wanted hope that we would get there.
That hollow feeling slowly filled, but when I felt like I had no tears left, I just closed my eyes and pictured holding him.
One of my deepest fears was that I would forget what he felt like. Because if that happened, I had nothing else. Ten years later, I can still close my eyes and feel his thick hair (just like his Daddy’s) between my fingers. I can feel his hand in mine.
I love knowing no one can take that away from me.
My mom bought this for us and we keep it on our mantle; it so perfectly says what I still long to be able to do. Sometimes I even talk to God and tell him I will not be greedy. I don’t need to bring him home; just a minute with him would fill my heart. To see his smile, see the beautiful ten year old boy he has grown to be, that would be enough.
When I talk with others who have lost a baby to a miscarriage or stillbirth, they totally get this. I remember the day this happened to me so clearly. I left our home alone for the first time since I had given birth to Jax. That alone was scary enough.
I walked into Kohl’s during the bitter cold winter to get a pair of sweatpants. I got about fifteen feet into the store and saw what I then considered to be the most negligent father ever. He was ready to head outside with his newborn daughter in a carrier. No blanket. No socks. No warmth.
And I went in to a dressing room and cried. An angry cry. One that questioned why that dad got to have his baby and we didn’t.
Sometimes that is still hard to come to terms with. Even ten years later.
One of the ways we turned our loss into a positive is by thanking our little Angel for his watchful eye. Our entire family believes in Angels and that is such a gift. When we are blessed, we all say a thank you to our sweet Jaxon.
We were completely unprepared for losing our son. We had our suitcases packed and truly thought we were bringing him home that day. In our young naïve state we never imagined we could be part of the 1% of people who lose a child to a stillbirth.
Losing a baby was hard for the people around us, too. No one really knows what to say. When we ran into friends and acquaintances that we didn’t see that often they naturally assumed he was just at home or with someone else.
And then we’d have to tell them he died. Most people would not know what to say and by no fault of their own would say something that would hurt me to my core. This was one of them.
If you have a friend or family member who lost their baby these are things to never say to them.
Husbands grieve too so make sure they get what they need to cope; it may be very different than what a mother needs.
When we found out Jaxon had passed away we had our oldest son at the hospital with us. Again, we were thinking he was going to welcome his younger brother into the world that day. While my husband took Cal to be with a friend so we could go into delivery a wonderful hospital staff member kept pacing around me.
I don’t do well with beating around the bush and I could tell she had something to say to me. But she also knew that our life had been turned upside down less than an hour ago. So I just told her to tell me whatever it was she had to say.
She told me that not our marriage had less than a 50% chance of surviving.
Men grieve so differently than women and losing a child tests those waters at the deepest level. Most couples struggle to support each other because they are in their own dark misery.
It was the best thing she could have told me because both my husband and I were even more attentive to each other and our own healing. We would NOT let the baby we loved so deeply become a source of negativity in our lives.
If you have found this post with my favorite stillbirth quotes and have lost a baby, my hope is that in sharing our story and these stillbirth quotes you know you are not alone. While we are ‘only’ part of a 1% group, that 1% is filled with way too many people. Once I started talking about our loss, I was shocked to hear how many parents had lost their babies, too.
Why I Shared these Stillbirth Quotes
This year as our boy celebrates his 10th birthday in Heaven I hold true to the belief that we all have to find the positive. In each journey of loss, there is a positive. We were so grateful to have Calvin to come home to instead of an empty home. And to be blessed with the opportunity to have another baby is something not all people get.
For that I am thankful. For that I am so very happy.
Happy birthday, Jaxon. We love you so very much…