Well “curve ball” may just be an understatement. My late husband perished in a plane crash in 2011. This was sudden and completely unexpected. I am now almost 3 years bereaved and reflecting after the death of a spouse has shown me that at times it feels like it was just yesterday and sometimes it feels so long ago. That stretch of time has been filled with a myriad of emotions, events and new experiences. It forced the inevitable without a choice to create a new “normal” for my sons and I. Life as we knew it no longer is, but we chose (daily) to pull our bootstraps and forge onward to continue to experience the richness that life has to offer. I know without a shadow of a doubt, he would want that for us too.
No one can tell you the best way for grieving after the death of a spouse. I share my experience after tragically losing my husband in hopes it helps you for even a moment.
At about halfway through this journey, I paused and realized that we have finally settled into our new routine. We have adjusted to our situation and have grown tremendously in the last 3 years. My faith also grew stronger and it was the impetus for my courage and tenacity. Reflecting on how we got here, there were important milestones that we crossed.
Acceptance
Accept the circumstance…period. Accept that change is inevitable. Yes, ours was a big one, but there are going to be thousands more changes that will occur in our lifetime. Accept that the adjustment period is emotionally and physically exhausting. Accept that any new habit or routine takes time to get comfortable at. Be patient after the death of a spouse.
Re-prioritize
Remind yourself of your new priorities and create goals and activities to affirm those priorities. Re-prioritizing also means de-cluttering your life. Surround yourself only with people you truly respect, love and care for. Eliminate activities that do not support your values, goals, and objectives in life.
Always have a shift in perspective by thinking…”it could’ve been worst”
Re-invent
You are not your circumstance so, bravely ask yourself who are you now? How do you want to define yourself? What new dreams do you have? This can be a liberating exercise for it gives you the freedom to explore new hobbies, new friendships and pave a new road for your Plan B dream.
Relax
Give yourself permission and grace to make mistakes. You will miss the mark dealing with the death of a spouse, but it is a lesson worth learning. Celebrate every occasion and even make new traditions. Always seize opportunities for joy when they present itself…not with careless abandon but with the intention to create new fond memories aligned with a purposeful life. Yes, the sadness and permanence of our loss is part of our story yet, there is another chapter that has yet to be written.
Contributor: Elisa Krall lives in Ladera Ranch with her two sons ages 13 and 11. She works as a Corporate Recruiter for a Management Consulting firm. Elisa enjoys watching her sons play sports, ballroom dancing, running, travel and is a self-described foodie. Prior to living in the OC, she lived in San Francisco for several years. She is also an active volunteer in her community and enjoys sharing resources to others. Since becoming a widow in 2011, she has found writing as a cathartic way to express herself in her personal blog and is privileged to be sharing her articles with you.
Kristen says
How did you deal with the on-going condolences from people. As well as the dreaded “how are you doing? How are the boys doing?” With that head tilt and look in their eyes? It’s been a month since my husband’s passed from a year and a half battle with cancer, and every time I leave the house I’m dreading it because I know I’m going to run into someone and going to have answer that question without sounding rude or that I didn’t love my husband. If you have any insight please share.
Amy Barseghian says
I am sorry for your loss, Kristen. This is a normal stage with any loss – a child, husband, or loved one. Maybe try, “I am sure you can understand how hard that question really is to answer.” People don’t know what to say in these situations so often say bad things but don’t intend to be hurtful. Sending you healing wishes.
Gabriela Moreno says
I really like your response. Sometimes, allowing the person asking you these questions needs to hear how you truly feel and understand that it’s very difficult to answer these types of questions. I think people mean well but it can be such an uncomfortable subject to speak on.
Elisa Krall says
Kristen,
My condolences to you and your family. Sadly, this is a reality that comes with the journey of loss. It draws upon our courage and bravery each time we are faced with each questioning. Like Amy said, most people don’t know what to say in these situations but I believe their intentions are well. I recall there were days that I would go out of may way to do my errands outside of my area. I remember going grocery shopping at almost closing time just so I can be sure to avoid running into people I know. Now at 7 years bereaved, it seemed like a distant memory and yet remembering those “hiding” days are comforting to me.
Flo Johnasen says
My husband passed one day after my 79th birthday in early 2019. We were together since 1959, or 60 years. He too suffered for years before passing. This once vibrant active man, fire captain in our city fire department had heart problems. i stopped all my activities the last 18 months except Mass. After he passed, i got physically sick, lost weight & cried everyday. still do. my funeral home sends me daily encouraging words..for 365 days& that helps. i forward relevant ones to those who make the worst comments. i do realize they don’t know what to say so i have to tell them in the nicest way possible.
Bec bishop says
I lost my husband very unexpectedly on the 1-1-19. One moment he was there, I left to do the grocery shopping and when I came back an hour later he had passed from a heart defect we did not know he had.
I find reading about the lives of other widows whom have continued to live a purposeful life soothe me during the very low moments I am having.
Do you have any recommendations of literature that i could read?
Amy Barseghian says
Bec, I am so so sorry. I am reading this with tears welling up for you. I am sending healing thoughts your way. Honestly, the reason I started writing here about loss is because helpful literature seemed to be minimal. For me, talking with others and seeing that eventually I may be ok is what I needed and it seemed like other women agreed.
Elisa Krall says
Bec,
I am very sorry for your loss. I can relate to the unexpected tragedy… the feeling is profound to say the least. I sought out resources for support and there were some books that I found to be helpful : “Widow to Widow” by Davis & Ginsburg, “When your Soul Aches” by Rabey, “The Tender Scar” by Mabry and “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. I also follow a couple of groups on Facebook : Option B and One Fit Widow.
This journey is long but not without hope. Blessings to you and may you find comfort in these resources.
Best, Elisa
Victoria Mounce says
I also loss my husband on Jan. 15, 2019. I have read many great books by Gary Roe. I also write in a journal every night. Grieving is so hard. Somedays I feel ok, but then all of a sudden I burst into tears at times.
Gabriela Moreno says
I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my partner, almost one month ago. We still don’t know what was the cause of his death. He wasn’t feeling good one day, was given prescription medication to treat what seemed like ” lung inflammation” 2 days later, he passed.
I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, I returned to work 2 weeks after his passing, to gain some sense of a routine. Nothing feels the same anymore, I don’t look forward to going home because I know he won’t be coming home. I read this book- It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Divine. It’s helped me understand the grieving process and common things you should expect from people/outsiders. It also gives you tips and advice as to what you help you. The author speaks on her on experience, she lost her husband through a terrible accident. I hope you find the book useful like I did.
Best regards
Gina Jones says
Bec, I’m so sorry for your loss. I too lost my Husband unexpectedly on 8-18-19. I went to bed and he was watching Football. I woke up a few hours later and found him in the floor already gone. He was only 46. I miss him with everything I am. Not sure how to go forward. Trying to figure out plan B. I am reading Heartbroken. Healing from the loss of a spouse. By Gary Roe. I’m praying for us all.
Jolene G Bethke says
I lost my husband on 11 February 2019. He fell from a ladder and suffered unsurvivable brain trauma. I found him and stayed with him until he stopped breathing. We were together for 35 years and I’m lost. My children and step-children are attentive but I don’t want to burden them. So, I’ve done a lot of my open grief work hiding in my bedroom or during the few times I’ve been alone. I see now that is a mistake. I have been reading all I can find and truly appreciate all your stories and recommendations I’ve found here. Thank you.
Amy Barseghian says
Jolene – I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad that this can be of some help for you. Elisa lost her husband and I lost a child. While not the same, I do think there are shared feelings in deep losses that we can use to help each other.
Elisa says
Jolene,
My deepest sympathy for your loss. There is no right way to grieve as everyone processes and express their grief differently. Hearing about other people’s losses and how they tread their new life can be comforting. Keep finding ways to love yourself and embrace peace on your new journey.
Elisa
Barbara Hess says
I lost my husband a year ago today after a long struggle with cancer and brain damage from the treatment. I’m still grieving the loss of our 23 yr old son to cancer 6 yrs ago. My daughters and I have been through a lot in the last 10 years. It’s hard to put one foot in front of the other everyday.
Amy Barseghian says
I am so very sorry Barbara. One day at a time is the only way we can make it through such deep losses.
Elisa says
I am so very sorry to hear of your losses. Dealing with the death of our loved ones are the most painful part of life. One breath, one moment, once day at a time is all you can ask of yourself. Please find a way to practice self care daily.
Anu says
Hi I lost my husband in April this year he died of cardiac arrest and I am just not able to get a hold of myself Am always in tears and really don’t understand what to do can anybody guide me it’s left a BIG VACCUM in my life and I really want to feel well and calm Thanks
Amy Barseghian says
You have my deepest sympathies…
Gabriela Moreno says
My advice to you is take it one day at a time. I feel like my days drag but I know that I need to keep moving forward with my life because I still have two small children. I know it’s difficult to get up and get dressed but try to practice self-care each day, even the smallest thing will help. I also do the following things to help me cope: Taking hot showers, reading books, exercising, going for walks, talking to my family and friends about how I feel. I also starting writing on a journal about the way I am feeling that day. These are only my suggestions, some may or may not work for everyone. I hope you find the strength to get through each day.
Mary says
I also lost my husband in July 6, 2018 in a tragic accident.is been a year, but is been very hard for me,
I feel like mu family don’t understand me an all the pain that Im going thru.
Amy Barseghian says
Mary – I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story here.
Elisa says
Mary,
I am very sorry for your loss. Tragedy and the trauma is brings is so very difficult and painful. Allow yourself grace when grief overcomes you and may peace find you as you continue to walk your new journey. Hold onto your memories as it will comfort you on the days ahead.
Elisa
Isabel says
I lost my husband in 2017. He had cancer,then developed sepsis. In the end I had to make the call to turn off life support. I heard his heart stop. I can’t move on I blame myself for his death. We were together 11 years and my life has no meaning without him. I still cry every day for him. I’m so lost.
Vanessa Velazquez says
Hi,
I recently became a widow October 5th, 2019. My husband was only 37 years he was at a bowling tournament and suffered a heart attack in the bathroom stale. By the time any one realize what had happened to him it was too late. I was not with him that day I was with my children. I was suppose to go but decided to stay home. I’ve been an emotional wreck. We were together for 9 years married for 6 and have 3 children the ages of 5,6 and 7. I have been trying to find ways to to keep my emotions together specially around the kids. His family never got along with me and had recently turned there backs on him. I’m losted with out him and I would love advice on how to pick up the pieces and try to be the best mom and dad for my Children. When they ask daily is daddy coming back from heaven?